Guides & Having "Free Won't"

I've been doing things that I felt like I needed to do, with or without it totally making any sense at the time for years. I'll try and remember some of these to write about, but some of the times it was buying things I didn't have any immediate need for. And then I would need it and have it right at hand at the time I needed it. 

Some of the times I spent in daydreams won't make sense to anyone else, and I'm very good about that. 

One of the reasons I consider myself as an idea hoarder is because of all the great ones I've dreamed and never shared. Whole ass visions I'm keeping to myself. 

People out there with money to spend on great ideas anywhere. 

Me, not trusting any of them with the power of some of my stories. My inner voice telling me point blank and like a serious warning, "I know the Lethal Text." And saying it enough that I even believe it. 

Knowing when an idea is a test or when one is the thing you really have to do is definitely something I don't take lightly. I feel like I passed up every easier version of how my life transitioning could possibly go. Before I left on my sacred journey, I definitely saw where I was preparing to work as a shaman, collecting oracles and crafts, and being told by my angels that "I need to be doing Shamanism Fulltime." 

I just turned 44, and I'm watching my parents getting old since I'm rebooting my life with family after walking away from everything. Naturally, they don't believe a word of me being special, and even if they did believe me they would die of envy and embarrassment at the same time. If I was really special, I'd be able to show everyone with all the money and street cred from the success of my miracles if I was wanting to be real enough for these guys. My stories aren't good enough for some people, so I hope you're watching as we go into the next phase. 

If you don't make a spiritual choice every day, then be sure to choose spirituality every time you realize there is a choice. Being its big fan makes it very happy. 

Meanwhile, I would be daydreaming my ass off and realized that I didn't feel like doing the things. Was it just depression? Was it perfectionism in letting some of the ideas and visions breathe in the hands of wicked people? Was it timing? Was there a reason I did some things and couldn't convince myself around other things? 

I developed the Paradigm of Spitballing. 

So The Universe was spitballing these ideas at me, things I could do, work I could make, people who would receive me well if I would just make an earnest approach. All kinds of things. And I didn't feel like doing it. 

I wonder sometimes why. I sometimes answer my own self with the explanation of being tempted by earthly things that would seduce me away from other things. I don't consider time in my daydreams to be an addiction since I'm pretty prolific there, and whether I feel to make all the things happen, I get to enjoy them without seeing them get corrupted. 

"If you could do anything and knew for sure you would succeed, what would you do?" 

For me, funny enough, the answer has a theme and it means I have to out myself as a shaman and write my life story so people can share in this spirit of hope I keep having through several self-remakes. 

Some of the ideas were spitballed so that I could just enjoy a place to go in my daydreams. Some of them I practiced pitching on people and figure that someone really wanting to help with a purehearted idea enough to see what happened like an experiment. Some were definitely business ideas, things that might have fixed me up with security, fame, fortune, reverence, or admiration. 

And so I also had the Paradigm of Seduction

Even before I having the kind of discussion about Environmental Manipulation and having every circumstance or condition affecting your development and reaction in this world, I was playing the Paradigm of Seduction in the idea that if I was going to be worthy of power, then I should be cautious about how I can be seduced. How far into my intimacy do I let people in, how risky am I in sharing parts of myself? What kind of vulnerability am I usually? 

Would I sit in silence while I suffered? 

Would I tell my truths to the best of my perspectives? 

Would I find the value in such a woman's story as mine? 

Would I ever give up on the Sugar Daddy Paradigm? 

Would I ever trust a benevolent Collective to help me rise as a writer and a voice?