Gonzo Mythmaking: Letter I wrote my husband a year ago and didn't send

Dear Charles,

Things seem to keep happening "full-circle" for me, just like when they seem psychic or mystical. Irony and coincidence are so common sometimes that I even forget I've been smelling them on the wind until they splash me fresh in the face. I wish I could tell anyone and have them just get it, and I wish I could write it while it was happening but living the poetry is more special than trying to catch it. 

I feel like I un-matrixed myself and then got sucked back down into the same dimensions that tried as hard as it could to keep me from being anything, probably because I stink like it no matter how many times I shampoo myself in running rivers. Explaining myself is like speaking a foreign language from a mysterious realm into ears so programmed with certainty that no one can enter the paradigm of even two simple truths holding the same space. 
I'm a Shaman. I even managed to become one in-spite of cultural designs meant to prevent me from reaching this level of enlightenment and psychic mind.

I am special to the Universe and for a time I only belonged to it and its lessons. Everyone else is making my journey about their worry and concern, their fears, their co-dependency and inability to imagine that whatever happens with me might also be fine. I have been facing fear after fear, after fear, all these years, lessons on top of lessons. I've been training with the Universe to do important and unique things and I'm an unusual character in most any context if only for my extra abilities to perceive layers where most people only perceive their selfishness. I told the Universe to "show me" and I wasn't about to be one of those pretenders who challenge my Guru and then go back to being too scared to find out. 

If you know the Universe at all, then you'll understand when I say I get bonus points for faith and believing in my unique path and purpose by allowing myself to be surrounded by doubters. But I can't make myself seek the tribes who get it and have a place for a shaman anymore than I could call home. I could have invited myself into those circles long ago, but understanding the way the path winds and circles round or back again and feeling my way through as much as knowing how others have gone to get there didn't make any difference. I had to be with my own Higher Self and the Universe in these other ways first, and it's only going to get more and more interesting as it goes. 

I know you've seen me pull off small miracles and I had a lot more synchronicities play out over my trip than I can even count, some of them amazing enough that I still get filled with wonder when I think or retell of them. Manifesting and even wishes happen more. I will bring things up in conversation and then have them resurface in the scheme of the day all the time, psychic and foretelling things without any intent to be doing so has been going on for months but seems so much more pointed when less is going on. People show up and speak things with me that also circle back like signs as if being in my aura or connecting to me over technology means that it will definitely have some meaning or significance. If there were a counter for such thing occurring, I'd have all the top medals. 

At one time the Universe and I had called things "Calibrations" and I could feel it tweeking my senses. I have had all the "Claires" -- Clairaudient, Clairsentient, Clairvoyant, Psychometry, Dowsing -- I told you a while ago that I was going to be training with my Jedi Powers and that I was going for it. If only someone in my life (other than Laura) was inclined to believe my levels and proofs.

The way my journey was so good, so funny, so unusual to my other walks of life, so educational to areas of interest I've been growing for so long. Spirit told me months ago that no amount of money was worth more than my shamanism, and no amount of other people worrying about me is neither. I'm having Supernatural Sight, rare abilities to view spirits through the presence of people who ring similar energies, figures who appear from across time just to be near me, some of them famous and who I've never met and some I have met.

I sense their presence and know when things are special and am somehow able to go back to humble, simple timelines of bullshit and disrespect. 

Mama tried to get me to promise that I wouldn't disappear again, but I told her there was no way I could promise such a thing after witnessing my lessons and journey as examples of Dress Rehearsal after Dress Rehearsal and knowing that someday it will be the real thing. The Universe has been telling me for months to pick a name, that I'd been transforming myself again and with plastic surgery. Even a weird older woman came and prophesied from her own healing psychic abilities around me at the homeless shelter that I'd get lipo in Paris without me telling her any of that.

My spirit guides have been telling me that I'm gonna be international and useful to The Collective and that because of the "Cosmic Now" my fate has been drawn as a Buddha and that I'm more than special. I believe these things. And then I chuck them in the Paradigm Paradise and ask the Universe to "show me" so that I can learn from my Guru and not second-guess the design. Trusting in divine plans, divine guidance, and divine protection have not been a delusion, but in my view -- proven over and over with miracles on top of miracles. I told you I was acting on faith and following my faith, and I still am. 

Some of that means walking blindly into its plans and even doing things that go against societal mores, like taking a car if I tell the Universe to show me where one has the key in it and then finding one with the key in it. Teaching me that tools being available and in importance to the Universe being more priority than following the law was just one part of a complex lesson. There was also the guy who went by Rising Sun I had to leave behind while I drove away with his things because he was dangerous.

Would I be too co-dependent to inconvenience someone who had bad intentions toward me just because he had his things in my car? Then again the combo-package with Brandon in Hauppauge... would I take his car and escape if he was escalating a personality disorder and dangerous tendencies when the Universe told me it was time to go? Yes, I left when my fear had risen and my angel said to go.

Yet I didn't follow all the indications, which means I'm still stubborn and in control, although it helps me anytime and people gave me money for gas and food all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, people whose auras were lit large and whose eyes twinkled as if they knew something more was happening. And I get to make sense of all these interlocking pieces of a story, even if the lessons that might be teaching me to go somewhere more dangerous or culturally different than anywhere I've had to go before. 

I appreciate that I still feel I can tell you all these kinds of things and that you were the best possible person for playing mirrors over a phase I was living as unhealthy and doubtful. The Universe kept saying "don't go back" and "don't look back" and told me not to call. It wanted me to be on my own and to find out that I had all the best tools I needed inside. It still doesn't give me any inspiration for getting any kind of job but I am happy when I create my crochet or crafts and clean and care for things. It let me play house on a few happy days with Brandon, whose existence was a non-stop encyclopedia of synchronicities and signs circling back... like even the bathtub with jets in his living room full of junk reminding me of my weird bathtub soup from the odd ritual I did months ago and even helping him hang a huge silver-frame TV from his rafter that leaned a little to the left being just like the one in the hotel in Nebraska that also leaned left on its wall perch. Over and over things like that and so many more.

I hope if you ever get to traverse the world of dreams you will be one from The Collective to spy on my story and find out for yourself about miracles, Terri's Miracles. Like that shitty VW Jetta I drove from the Atlantic Ocean all the way to Nebraska with every engine light showing before I left and all the same controls inside as the Beetle and even one seat element that burned my butt as well as my van's exhaust problem and one tire that shimmied from time to time, all the sames and faults as my last two vehicles, another chance to grieve what was. It also had the ear muffs he'd been using with the chainsaw which I wondered to aloud "wonder why these are in here" while the car didn't start the exhaust sound until 50 miles before Toledo, Indiana. When it did, I got pulled over by the sheriffs and convinced the cops after they searched it that I needed to keep the car because I had been homeless. I even told them all about being a psychic and shaman escaping a scary guy... They let me keep it. Irony doesn't get close. Just like that photo I sent you on Messenger with both Caprica and Bartleby looking at us as if from another realm. If you really wanted to see with me into another world, you could. 

You used to use "send you back to your parents" as a threat, and so here I am full circle to my fear of being sent back to my parents -- even if The Universe had to corner me between jail or help from them. I really did tell the cop in Nebraska to just take me in, but he looked me up by my social and found out people wanted to help and insisted that I let them. And right about then I felt better about it and let them.

They had tried so hard to find me that allowing them to rescue me at the hotel after all that effort felt very right. But just like narcs, they'd rather be the victims, sad because something they loved was lost. I'm glad they looked for me and that so many people cared. I was watching Bones last night and heard this quote that haunted me so much I had to look it up to make sure of what I remembered. 

"We don't actually fear death. We fear that - no one will notice our absense. That we will disappear without a trace."―Adit Gadh

I'm glad for all the distance I felt between myself and everyone that that wasn't how it went about me going missing. 

And now all the signs that had pointed me to off-grid options and being independent and relying on the earth and land are making sense again, another circle coming all the way around. I wanna build my little cabin round, even -- so there's no more corners to stick me in at all. Even The Universe gets all frustrated with me and tells me to be like Buddha and just Sit Down and Wait, especially when people are spitballing all the crap solutions it doesn't like. 

As a reporter I looked around inside probably 6 or 7 jails and was concerned over them in a professional sense quite a lot. As a Shaman on a path I trained for going to jail by being dehumanized and having a bed-number at the NYC homeless shelter with guards around. Because I followed my guides for the lessons I'm wanted with warrants. And even over here at mama's I'm held captive because I don't have a license and by my mom micro-managing all day and being a controlling narcissist.

I wonder if I will have enough zen and faith to get through all my lessons, but I never wonder if I'm the right one to find out and special to the design. I know I'm here for more than suffering and lessons I learn, probably a ton of them to teach, and hopefully to build an off-grid camp that will be good for my season around here or the kids once I've floated off on my umbrella when the wind blows Terri Poppins onto her next Terriette Hubman adventure. 

Deep hugs and I miss you, ZZ, and Adam. I wish I knew what I was doing next, but when I ask for guidance lately I'm inspired to build my own off-grid cabin here. Anytime I think about getting my stuff from the house it is because I'm starting some kind of a shop I haven't quite had the vision for but would be all set up for with my things I had been guided to collect. I don't want to have a complicated divorce and want us to be friends forever, but I won't be left out in the cold just because no one else can choose to have faith in me the way that I have faith in The Universe. It even asks me to ask you if karma is a bitch? Why would it do that? 
I don't think you're petty or that you want to see me lose my writing and creations and tools, all of my treasures and special, personal things, especially useful tools and materials I prepared for a future I just didn't get started yet.

I had to walk away from everything as a lesson of attachment and grief I am still learning. Grieving and detaching, detaching and grieving levels and emotional attachments of people, places, and things over this past year especially. Learning about attachment by having guidance to leave and not look back is harder than hard, and even my feelings waffle about it without any notice. One minute the ones I've loved and valued from before are still loved and wanted, the next they are a thing behind me on the path -- left behind and that I no longer need because they're not involved in the circumstance in front of me.

Do I have faith that I'll have everything I need like I was promised by my spirit guides or will I only think back to resources and options I have had in the past? Sorry if this makes it seem confusing about what I want... I'm also confused about what I should want or do and feel like a foreigner over here as much as I'm trying imagine living here in the woods.

So many of the lessons I've faced have been about grief. I grieve for our friendship and times when I could be the woman because you were the man. I grieve my friends and common places and driving my car. I grieve the car a lot, mostly because my cars have been more like home to me than home and being back here is more than a reminder of why. I grieve ZZ. I grieve my house, making it, setting it just like I wanted, cleaning it, caring for it, dreaming it improved. I grieve cooking in my kitchen and eating what I know is healthier for me. I grieve knowing I will have health and insurance for the doctor and medicine. I grieve common ideals of security. I grieve my library and all the things I'm sure I'll need to know and never took the time to read. I grieve my clothes and pretty jewelry and my big ole bathtub. I grieve my tools of creation and the things I could make from them. I grieve knowing where to find some karaoke. I grieve all the special things from my trip and my altars and especially my wild cherry guitar. I grieve and grieve my freedom most of all, and still can't see usual constructs of money or fame or bullshit success as the way to get back to it. I have seen every doppleganging ghost of everyone I have ever loved and lost and grieved them too, remeeting them as strangers, full-bodied but obviously my own loves.

I've grieved all the futures I didn't make and also hold them as potentials for the angels to arch into new timelines, a wad of sadness and potential balled up like a ball of rubber bands that still might fling off into any direction at anytime. The Universe/Collective tells me its because I'm in a higher dimension and special to the ascension, and I just grieve the way I used to at least have you I could relate to. 

Staying humble and in gratitude to the process is an intention I return to time and again. It's told me I died dozens of times on lots of timelines but this one I just had a lot of close calls, and somehow I wonder if this is what it would be like to look back on your life after it's done and to process the loss of a self after that death. I asked you so many times if I had died because things were so strange, but sometimes when I feel like no one can hear and see me as true, I know it's not like there would be much of a difference. 

Everyone on my new FB page are like "we're so glad you're fine" but I don't get hugs without asking... even had to ask my mom. Ryder and Shelby do fist bumps and my sister is still too busy being a victim of not knowing where I was to listen to anything I have to say about anything mystical. Apparently God, Jesus, and Angels only happen, Goddess-free, in the Bible or at Church.

Let them look there for any miracle they want while I go out and manifest some that are more and more undeniable. I'm a magnet for miracles. The miracles are going to keep getting better and faster, bigger and more amazing. I'm even a little worried about all the jokes I've been cracking about my little cabin dream being a "love shack for me and Bigfoot" turning out to be actual Bigfoot.

In the Paradigm Paradise there are any kind of being, alien, spirit, gods and goddesses, interdimensional, djinn, demon, angel, or mushroom-minded-who-done-it. I never know as a shaman who will come to cuddle next, but I know I haven't been allowed to have depth or love like I know is out there and like The Universe loves to tease me with as another thing to detach or unwish because wanting them is a kind of suffering. It tells me to love myself and I even have to say to that, "show me."