Paradigm: Less Drugs, More Mind

Shit I Don't Fuck With:

Cocaine

Meth

Heroine

Caffeine: 
Probably my first "drug" was coffee. My grandma would make me a coffee with milk in a little Italian-sized cup with sugar and I'd have a coffee with her sometimes from the time I was about 3 or 4. It wasn't something I thought to miss when I didn't have it. I got more into coffee when I was about 12 or so, but mostly then I liked that powdered junk from the EZ Mart because it had fancy names like French Vanilla Cappuccino. I've had periods since when I would be all about energy drinks and coffee is like a staple. I drink my coffee black, hot or cold. And my super favorite from Starbucks is the Grande Nitrous Black. 

Nicotine:

My second drug was nicotine. When I was about 12, my folks left me home alone for the first time, and I was over the moon with happiness. It's the first time in my life I knew I was a nudist. I would get naked and dance in the living room, and I experimented with a cigarette. I still remember the first one. It was a half-smoked, Basic Light 100, and I found it in an ashtray. At school, especially in DARE, they had told us "smoking's bad, smoking's bad, go home and tell your mom and dad that smoking's bad, it's gonna kill them" and yet my parents were still having their cigarettes like nobody had said anything, so I was hella curious. It was gross as fuck. I did not like it.

But there was that chemical in there, working in my brain. I can remember that it got me about two weeks later and said something that sounded innocent enough, "Awww, but you didn't give it a good enough try. You should get a new cigarette and try that." And so I did. After that, I'd steal a pack from my mom and take one down in the woods by myself to talk to the trees and have it, light-headed and all that, barely aware that tobacco was a sacrament in some cultures. I've quit a few times, but me and good old nic have been more on than off these 32 years since.

I quit smoking for about 5 years from 2017-22 and my favorite way to quit is from cigarettes, because they are gross. And then one day stop, either by throwing them in the trash at the doctor's office or giving them to someone who I need as an ally in stopping. And then hang around in my house for about 4 or 5 days with nowhere to go. The hardest part of quitting is not buying any and not being around them. Also, every time I've started again, there was alcohol around, and the alcohol whispers to me that one cigarette won't hurt, or one puff won't make me buy them. But it lies. Right now I'm still vaping and using lozenges or an occasional cigarette, but I don't intend to be about it. I think the nicotine does help me with ADHD while I'm still mostly homeless and living with my parents and helps me cope with living with people who are mean and intimidate me and severe narcissists. So, I'm not pressuring myself over stopping until I can replace any part of this with a full-measure of peace. 

Amphetamines: 

Then amphetamines when I was a teenager. When I was 16, I was fat, I probably weighed around 250lbs, cause I don't think I'd gotten up to 280lbs yet by then, but whatever. 

I was made fun of in kindergarten for being fat. I remember feeling othered because of my weight a lot as a kid, picked on, bullied outright, left out. I was probably neurodivergent and now that I'm more in my energy, I can guess that people were off-put by me for other reasons like vibes that are hard to describe when something as easy as fat is right there for the world to see. 

So, when I was 16 was about the same time the whole thing with Phen-Phen was doing its thing, and people were losing weight all around me so it seemed like something I wanted to try. There was a doctor in town who was really known for the prescriptions, and I had to have my mom take me because of my age. He also gave me some pretty huge and potent vitamins with the prescription, and I lost about 80 pounds or something. I wasn't too fit still, but I really had a lot more energy, and my grades were good. 

Nobody knew girls could be all the ADHD back then, and looking back is like going -- Oh yeah! That's why I was doing so good in school while I was taking those pills! It also set me up for some feelings of failure when I didn't have them anymore or have the kind of clues that lead you to the sort of solutions you need when you're ADHD and have different kinds of challenges with accomplishing things or moving your world along like I've had at times. Today, I'm looking at 80 completed blog posts in 2 months and 100 started.. the rest in draft, and I'm wowed by myself. Go me! 

Anyway, when I was more like 21, there was a time I went to an all night Halloween party and my roommate and a couple of friends also got me to smoke some meth off a foil. But I'd been swimming in the heated pool all night, in the hot tub, drinking beer, and smoking weed. It didn't do the thing. I went and took a nap. When I got up from my nap, I felt like I had dodged an actual bullet aimed right at my head and decided on the spot that I would never try it again. I have not been tempted ever again. 

A few years ago, when I was 41, I was getting some help for ADHD for real this time with a diagnosis and they prescribed me Adzenys. I loved it. It did exactly what I needed it for. It played a role in how my mind was doing around the time of my Creative Awakening, but that will have to wait for another blog post. When I left home or anytime I didn't have it, I didn't miss it or crave it or have a withdrawal. I also didn't feel like I needed to replace it with anything amphetamine-style. So, I'd say that medication is a success with me. I do, sometimes, wish I had it for some clarity or when I'm distractable, but I also don't feel like I have to have it. 

Alcohol:

My parents weren't all about alcohol. They really didn't drink except for maybe on New Year's or the Fourth of July, and their drink of choice was wine coolers. But they had decided they liked alcohol a little more when I was also about 16 and got me a big 1/2 gallon of vodka that was just for me. They weren't drinking everyday or anything. I drank a screwdriver now and then. I'm not sure how long it was up there, looking like it was half drunk when I got it out to make one and saw there was mold growing in the bottle.... Um... What?! My brother had been drinking it and refilling it with water and that's where the mold came from. He was a fucker then, and not much has changed. 

I drank a little more in my 20s, but I was a student a lot of the time, worked full-time or over time, and I really recognize a good drunk night as a needed reset. But I've never been a daily drinker and usually hate hangovers. I have been diabetic since in my 30s, and I mostly don't drink except for on Special Birthdays. Even when I was going to the bars a lot for karaoke, I'd just get a diet coke unless someone got me a beer. I've been told my singing is different when I drink, better maybe, but I don't like it enough to try and make that a habit for art or any other reason. 

Cannabis: 

When I was working full-time after school at 17, that's 8:30-3:30 at school and work from 4-11 at the Super 1 Foods, and driving myself, feeling super grown and all. I had my friend Derek who would buy me cigarettes since he was 18 and it was easier than going to try myself since I looked like a baby. I had my Datsun then, so small, but I'd pack it with Derek, my brother, whoever. We had put some bedroom speakers in there with a car-radio since the poor old Shabudaduka (Sha-Boo-Dah-Doo-Kah) had come with it's factory-installed AM radio and we were poor, redneck kids who wanted to listen to Creed. When all these big people were climbing out of it, there was a for-sure clown car moment, and a lot of laughs in the car were at jokes about how small it was. 

Me, my brother, Derek, and a dude named Brady Law (irony much) ended up at someone's house where they smoked weed in a bathroom. I didn't smoke but I got my first contact high at 17. I drove later, but the boys were all drinking and I don't think I was having too much effect from it. After that, I got into Erwid.org website like a fiend. I was already leaning toward being a Pagan, and I found a psychedelic shamanism group to follow on Yahoo. I learned all about mushrooms and read trip reports and learned all about ayahuasca from then. Pretty sure, if my name-drop element was so On, that I got to chill out with Terence McKenna in my early 20s, even though I didn't even get into shrooms until I was 40. 

I didn't really get into weed until I moved to Dallas in June of 2000. I might have had some a little between with friends in the SCA in college or something, but I didn't have my own pipe or anything til I was around 21. Endorphins are a drug I got to know about that same age since I lived with a man-hating-lesbian-dominatrix who liked weed and drank cocktails like water. She went by Mistress Key, and she unlocked me a lot. I won't be ever seeing her again, but she had pushed me to despise her til I had fantasized adding perfume to her nebulizer. Not my proudest moment, but I was also never her slave. 

While it deserves it's own heading, BDSM, sensation play, sensory deprivation, and pain endorphins are exciting. I definitely hope to explore these more in the future.

Since I broke my back when I was 11, I had found that weed was a good friend to help me relax and also good for creativity in writing and art. It also helps me appreciate music better, laugh more, and generally is my go-to. Lately, I'm reminded that it's bad for dream recall, which I need as a shaman. I'm back to dreaming this week like it's the real world and this is the fake, wannabe world, so even though I could put some effort into finding it, I'm not. It will be a part of the picture anytime I'm meant to have it or out of the picture when I need that too. I'm all good about it for now. 

Good Weed Stories to come. 

Ecstasy:

In 2002, I tried Ecstasy. 

My friend Dez had been telling me about ecstasy, and I was curious, so I had pretty much made up my mind to do it. We were at a bar I can't remember the name of, but it was close to Ace In The Hole piercing shop in Deep Elum Dallas, where I'd gotten my nipples pierced when I was 20. And so I was just 21, and having some fun with her and hanging out on a Saturday night. And this dude comes in and she tells me she knows him and he has some cool dealer name like Blue Sky or something and she got us a couple of pills. They were also blue and sorta oval shaped, and she gave one to me and kept one for herself. It wasn't as big as the one in the picture, obviously AI isn't gonna help me make real-looking drug photos or anything.. but ya get it. 

I didn't know how it was supposed to go, so after a while I just took mine. Well, I'd been eating tacos and drinking beer, so about the time it was kicking in I barfed tacos and beer all down my shirt. But she's the best and she just cleans me up and tells me it's fine and look how not a problem it is, and since I was feeling the drug it really wasn't anything to worry about. All my walls came down. I hugged strangers and didn't care when I made a fool of myself. We went up and down in the party district for a bit, but then she says we can go to her friend Dave's house and that sounded good to me. She drove... which she did more when I was either too drunk or like that night. 

And so we get to his house, and there's this triple pine tree growing out of one root base, and one of the trees is sorta leaning over some, and I love it. I am in love with everything. I climbed on the tree and was wrapped around it arms and legs and felt so good there, just vibing with the tree. My friend was worried about the neighbors, though, so they came and got me. I went in, and I was kinda starting my period and didn't know Dave and was sorta feeling my own energy doing a thing. They had had some fun before, so they were having sexy fun, and I went in the bathroom. And then I heard her say, "I'm so sorry." And then, "Ice will take it out." And I'm a lot more psychic now, so I used some clues, like the gum in my mouth was getting mighty gummy to realize that she'd been giving him some oral pleasure and the gum was stuck all over his johnson. 

Well I'm a good girl scout, so I come out to tell her that ice might not be the most fun option and that the oil in peanut butter will also take gum out. So she reaches up in the cabinet and hands me out an industrial-sized can, not jar, of peanut butter and says with a smirk, "I don't like peanut butter." And so I was in charge of gum clean-up, aisle Dave, and gave a pretty Epic Peanut Butter Blowjob, if I do say so -- at least an hour and a half later there wasn't any gum or peanut butter. That night was also the first time I ate pussy. For the good parts, I'd give ecstasy another try. 

But for the bad parts? I have never done it again. 

Dez tried to get me to come home with her and not to go home alone, but I was so, so, so, so, so, tired. I went back home and I sorta slept. Kinda. And the next day I was still wrung out, more down than up, more icky than any other kind of hangover I'd ever had. And then in the afternoon, I was drawn in kinda the same way my unconscious bleeds over into my urges now to gather a pile of sharp things from my room, and so I did, and I sat looking at them and thinking dark things about how much prettier my blood would look on the outside. I looked at those knives and cutters and pens. I thought about what it meant that I was having such a strong come-down. And I made up my mind not to experiment like that again with ecstasy. 

I was a sad girl growing up, and I still had a lot of that sad in me as a young woman. The way I've overcome more than enough things now might make some difference in how I handle it, but I'm not gonna play around and get it from the street. If I'm meant to have this one again, it will be because that's what my guides want. 

Ketamine: 

At about 42, I tried the dissolvable tablet with a guy who used it as an excuse to pressure me for sex after I told him I didn't want to and that I was going through some hard feelings about something else. I had to tell him the next time I saw him that I have sides of myself and one side wanted the fun while the other side was angry about the coercion and drugging me for sex. So I even have to resolve myself with myself and hold to my truth even when there's more than one truth happening anytime. I've been raped quite a bit, not just in the sense of coercion, and I don't think being an adventurous woman is an invitation for that. I also don't think having borderline tendencies is an invitation for that. I've had a lot happen that made me grow my healing muscle. 

I had another fella give me some ketamine powder out of a bag and it was what he said. We had a fun time with it, but I don't feel comfortable trying things out of bags like that. At least when it was the dissolvable table kind I had some reference for it being what he said. I also tend not to smoke from bowls if I don't see the cannabis going into it. And I'm not into strange pills. 

Mushrooms! Finally!!!

So when I was 40, I finally got some mushrooms, the gal said they were Penis Envy kind, and I got my scale out and measured about 3g and ate them. My first time having them was like having a symbiotic mind attached to my mind, and we laughed and we cried, and I've sense come to understand that these kinds of mind have been attached with my mind through the process I thought as subconscious all along. I asked them to help me be a writer again, and while it took a few years to scrape the pain off of my burnout, it looks like they have really helped. 

I'd give them more credit, but they would give the credit right back to me. I love that. Some awesome and weird, amazing things have happened while I was on them, and probably I'll revisit the topic again in the future. I haven't done a heroic dose, but I've had more than 3g or so at a time, and it was incredible, healing, fun, cathartic, and needed. I'm sure my journey with mushrooms is something I'm not done with. 

I've micro dosed them in the form of capsules when I ground them up and packed them myself. And I've micro dosed them with the over-the-counter gummy and candy bar options. My favorite brand is TreHouse, and I've been missing those. Definitely the universe is different around me with or without them, but watch out world cause the weird is hermetic and gets all the way dialed up when me and shrooms get together for a personal party in the hive mind. 

As far as healing the actual brain, I think for sure that they do that and not just because science says so. My telepathy is definitely increased when I take them, and other psychic abilities are more common as well. I'm on a dry-out these days to reconnect with my nature without them, but they are a for sure ally and I love them almost as much as they love me. 

Random: 

Mugwort: Excellent, feeling mellow, more creative, dreams and dream recall

Kratom: Addictive, pain relief, better as a concentrate from 20 years ago than commercial pills these days, I don't like it but I get it sometimes when I need it for pain

CBD: My other super best friend, pain relieving, relaxing, creativity inducing, inflammation reducing, and most excellent, my favorite was made by my friend the farmer who was with the plant start to finish and tested it for potency. Miss ya Karl!

Delta 8: Not sure what all is in this, depending on the manufacturer, psychedelic effects, psychic uptick, I like it for the psychic parts but I'm suspicious about the actual ingredients 

Sassafras Root Bark: So probably it's even as good when ya don't dig it from the black cemetery in a root ceremony as a shaman. Cold tea infusion gave an ecstasy-light effect, euphoric and happy.

Hydrocodone: I had a time when I had a stash from my grandma's after she died. I wrote a novel. I have enough pain. I never took more than 2 a day, and I would ween myself back to half a day til they ran out and then didn't go looking for more. 

Future = Psychedelics: 

Peyote

SanPedro
Ayhuasca

DMT

Opium (to try, but I think I'm good at not getting too addicted to things to try new things)

More Herbs to Explore

More Mushrooms to Explore