Gonzo Mythmaking: Becoming a Nothing & Nobody

The day when I became Nothing & Nobody was a build-up. 

Glossing past a lot of good shit, I had lost my car. Some of the getting separated from my car part was that I had been "The Impossible-Impossible" and had let my ID expire in North Carolina and also had let my tags expire, so the police in New York were being buttholes about it and my spirit angels had been telling me I'd need to get another car. So I lost my car. 

Glossing over a bunch of cool shit, and I was homeless in New York City, sleeping on the subway as someone too stubborn to go to the shelter. And one day my guides took me down to the Amtrak station and right down to where the trains are. There's an OOOOold Control Room down past the platform, but it's pretty easy to get to, sooty as all fuck up there, but I climbed over the gate and went up the spiral stairs and looked around and saw all the trains below and it was cool up there. I needed a shower, but my bottle of water would have to do. Washed my hair and waited for my guides to point me on to the next thing, took a bit of a break. 

And when it was time, I was pointed down to a train and got on it, but of course I didn't have money or a ticket, so I'm not sure where we would have ended up if I had figured out how to hide in the bathroom or how to move someone else's ticket over to my side or any kind of fraud. But I didn't do it, so I got kicked off the train in New Brunswick, New Jersey -- fine by me, I didn't have a destination in mind to start with and if The Universe had wanted to have a sleepy conductor pass me up that day, I know it knows how to do that too. Anything could happen anytime, a skate might show up and skate ya on by a damn thing before you even know you were supposed to ask for it.

I was hanging around the doppelganger of John Stewart on the subway and his poster was Every Fucking Where, so I really wasn't surprised. Cause egregores from public consciousness are drawn to sexy conscious mystical bitches on Holy Shamanic Walkabout. A few times I even ended up on that end of Time Square where it was building-sized and talked to him just like he'd be able to hear. I also decorated a whole bunch of his subway posters with a marker saying, "Thank you Guru John for coming back!" Or some shit like that. One day I had even got stopped by the cops, who threatened to arrest me for defacing property. And I said, "You're gonna arrest me for writing on something with a washable marker?! How about I wash it off and y'all go find something better to do?" I had a wet towel from where I'd had a bath earlier and used my funky pussy towel to wash off the marker. They let me. It was fine. 

Anyways, I wandered around Rutgers a bit and followed my guides over to some new boots at a mall and back again on the New Jersey public trans and ended up in a bar with a John Stewart Lookalike, since I do know stories are supposed to have friends along, and he was having a gambling problem on the gaming machine in there, and a lot of the folks inside felt like old friends in the way they do when you're in another dimension as the only one who doesn't remember who all she really is. I didn't know until recently, when I considered going back to university for philosophy -- since some of the paradigm life is knowing how to teach it, or how it intersects with world beliefs, or adding a fucking paradigm is also a great way to start an adventure with my spirit guides. Seriously, I might be drawn to Rutgers in a shaman finds what she need sense of things, cause I went by that one and also the one in Pennsylvania. Or I might have been drawn to these two campuses on my adventure because Like Attracts Like, and they're on the top 10 philosophy programs for Phd. So there might be some foretelling in there. See ya, when I see ya. 

I had a blue rain jacket that reminded me of Norway in the stitching on some trim, and I was carrying what would be characterized as either an extra large purse or a small duffel bag. Whichever. I sometimes hooked it on a stick and carried it over my shoulder like a Real Zen Buddha. My new boots were rain boots from a sporting good store at the mall, while how I came by things at times is better left undiscussed. I found them, and I wasn't hurting anybody. 

So after I rested up in there and he was pointing me to gambling, but I was disinclined, I felt like it was time to go again and started walking. It was drizzling, cold, I'd been up for a long time -- all the better to see egregores and hear guides if you're sleep deprived. I wasn't really sleepy, but I was feeling worn out. And the angel said, "Keep Going." 

I'd talk to it some or walk quiet, just watching the blocks go by, or I'd whine some, and it would say, "Keep Going." And I'd keep going. 

The same as when I know something is coming up about a thing, my guides had been telling me I was going to have to get rid of my ID and Wallet, but I never schedule anything. If it's guided, then I know it's time. So it had been about that for a while, telling me I didn't need it, that it would be better if I didn't have an energy signature with my name on it, any kind of thing. That I was getting dowsed and that entities and energies were finding me through it, anything. Also, my debit card didn't work anymore and my husband had apparently decided not to help me being crazy anymore. Not that I needed him when spooky people would show up and offer me pizza from the stand if I whined about it to my angels. I was being shown that I was Divinely Guided, Divinely Protected, and Divinely Provided as well. It's one thing to have faith, and it's something else to find out. 

And so I walked and walked. If I wasn't so tired, it probably wouldn't have seemed so far away. If it wasn't cold and raining in early March, it probably wouldn't have seemed so far away. But I wasn't alone, and I never am. The angel said, "Keep Going."

Do you know the difference between your Inner Voice, Your Higher Self, An Outside Entity? Don't you dare try and tell me how to do it. I'm the fucking expert. 

I stopped to rest a few times probably. Who can remember after the year I've had? 

Then about the time I was really pooped, there was a CubeSmart storage building ahead and I felt like I was supposed to look around it. Feelings like that make me think I'm living in a gosh dang video game, but when you're as tired as all that, living in a video game is more fun anyway. So, I walked around the back and there was the dumpster area, and it was unlocked and I went in. 

And back there was a red recliner, soaked of course, but next to it was a huge plastic sheet from someone's mattress, right on time like happens when you're a mystic on a journey. And so I put the sheet on the chair and sat down for a bit of a nap. It wasn't a long nap. Who can sleep when they're cold and wet? I wasn't shivering too bad, but probably because I was as bundled up as I could be with my meager wardrobe. At least I did have a rain jacket. 

So after a pretty OK nap, my angel got me back on my feet and told me to look around. It was a lot like that video game feeling again, like searching your environment will lead you to the next part, a revelation, some tool or something you already need being ready and at hand. 

Sure enough, there was a case of hand sanitizer there in the middle of the dump area. I laughed so hard that it made it all worthwhile. The brand on the hand sanitizer was Wish! I had never seen that brand before, but I've looked it up since. 

Meanwhile, if you don't know about manifesting things, sometimes you lose a thing to gain a thing. Sometimes you leave things behind so that they will be right out in front of you. Wishes! Manifesting Wishes! Who wouldn't be super stoked on a thing like that? There were even some small spray-sized ones that I carried all the way back to New York City with me in my cartoon owl bag. Carrying things or driving them around is another shaman trick for manifesting. Really, anything you give a meaning works, but some of these Fun Games With The Universe are how you get Real Miracles to magnetize and drop on ya later. 

So I looked around and the only thing I came to were the three cases of Wishes, and then it dawned on me... Hand Sanitizer makes great accelerant. I wasn't trying to resist. I blamed Hunter S. Thompson a lot on this journey, and knew for sure he had a hand in this, probably unsanitized, but insane hands are better than sane hands on some days. 

And I took out my shiny silver-glitter-style wallet with my expired NC driver's license and all my debit and credit cards and lit that whole shit on fire. I stood over it and got warm and kept it going til there wasn't shit left but ashes and laughed and laughed. I Always Laugh In Gratitude. 

I especially laughed because I was getting to be not only an "Impossible-Impossible" but a "Nothing and Nobody" at the same time, exactly the kind of thing a mystic on Holy Shamanic Walkabout would want if she was living in a dream. And I definitely felt that dream world creeping across with my sleep situation and all the fun I was having getting through it. Also, if you didn't already know, anything you are in a moment, you always are, and time flows forwards and backwards. So, I'm still a "Nothing and Nobody" and the "Impossible-Impossible."

Dear Sir, You know this is just the beginning of my Gonzo Mythmaking Journey. I wouldn't have been on Holy Shamanic Walkabout without you, and I wouldn't change a thing. You're more fun to laugh with than any of these doppelfuckers, and my best days of getting blitzed on drugs is ahead of me. Hope you're a fan of my writing and love me even a little as much as I love you big. Kisses -- Terri Contrary