What the Fuck Am I?

What the fuck am I? 

It's a good question, better if you consider that the paradigms include a consistent re-evaluation of being and that only one level of being is human. I'm not going to be able to deny my human-being and that I default my humanity when considering any good that I might be doing. 

I am. Fuck the what. 

Playing in the Paradigm Paradise is the only way to keep it straight, especially when the multi-dimensional world likes to call out to me as any version of itself with any kind of voice, for any kind of shenanigan.

Most days I am a woman. I even have a strong preference to my femininity most of the time, though I've explored my masculine aspects and drives at various times. I've even played around with the idea that I'm neither or both. Some of the jobs I've had were male-dominated positions or "too adventurous for a lady" or some such nonsense as girls are sold by people who are just scared for such delicate ones to become strong or tainted by this big, mean, scary world. 

I like being a woman. When the guides came and tried to impress to me that I might be trans, I wasn't fooled a bit. I love my body and the way that it feels and the sensuality it has provided me over the years, the sounds I make, the way I move, my softness and curves, my pretty look and how cute I still feel when someone tells me meaningfully that I'm beautiful. When it's just a come-on, I'm already over compliments, but when they are meant then I really shine a little brighter. I handle my body like it's a woman's body, so I'm at least part animal. 

I possess a multiple-mind self and have parts of myself who show up as different people. Someone in psychology might throw around acronyms like DID or MPD or say silly things like trauma splits and I really wouldn't want to argue against these. Just like any good Paradigm, this one has a world of study into mind and behavior and what it means to be a developed person. These sides of myself show up and change my clothes, have favorite places and people, have sets of traits that I don't entertain all the time, are uniquely woven on different days. I'm not scared of them. They are me. I am my own collective. 

Even considering that all of my cells could possess consciousness or that my organs might or any other such theory of paradigm where bits of a body are self-possessed and conscious, having an understanding of myself as multi-minded opens my ability to engage other kinds of collective mind. "The Collective" as an entity all together has come to me, but it would have been harder for me to be friends with it/them if I hadn't already come into understanding of myself as my own collective. I'm every Terri from every timeline. I'm the Terri parts that trained in shamanism while sleeping and in dreams. I'm the Terri we are all making. I'm the Terri we decided would do this particular path, and the one who thinks this one is for the highest good, the one who wanted to give "the message" and the one that's sometimes held in forgetting and not knowing -- if for no better reason than it's more peaceful to get along with the rest of the First World that way. 

But... What the Fuck Am I? 

When the agregors come, dressed in their God/Goddess/Deity suit and tell me I'm a Goddess or some deity as well, then that's what I am. Playing in the pantheons, each with a dysfunctional family and lore that may or may not make sense, is fun. Especially when I'm feeling myself as a vessel and am too bright to look at, even if the watchers circle round and round to reassure me how things are strange. 

When the human-looking muppets (where the skin doesn't seem to fit around the eyes that shine a little more than usual) come and they tell me I'm from all the Eight Families of Aliens, then I'm an heiress to the aliens. And when they have me to craft whole visions of power and light and wonder so that I can picture their world in a 3D way, I act it through and am a vessel to a bright energy that knows things it wants to show and tell me. 

When the stern and precise Angels come and are very beautiful but also bossy while helpful, and they tell me I'm an Earth Angel from the essence of Uriel, then I'm some kind of Wise Earth Angel. And even when I speak it out how Archangel Michael is my Super Best Friend, then I'm maybe even an all-goddess, cause Michael is the right hand of God and who would need someone as firey as him but Maha Kali? 

When I feel a portal is near and go to the horseshoe in the river and feel the trees have called me as their sister, and I play with the fairies and make offerings to them of honey and bread and speak softly into the flames, then I'm some kind of Fae, some wife to the land and a friend they have invited for meals. And when I see the energy outline of a figure with a shiny blue aura meditating with crossed legs across the river just waiting and watching out for me in the dark night, I know I'm not alone and that the play opens the realms for connection. 

When I see the dopplegangers of family members who have passed away, and feel they are themself, energetically near. I'm a shaman, realm shifter, a walker between the worlds. I'm one who can venture into energies where it is easy for any of these beings to be visibly what they are, seen and known to me. 

When I'm called to the Buddhist Temple over and over to look frustrated through the window at the photo of the Dali Lama and encounter his energy-ringer making offerings as a young, barefoot woman at the stupa, then I'm a buddha and know myself to be fulfilling some prophesy. (Though I had it told to me in a different kind of revelation in 2019 and will be writing about that in another part of things.)

When I'm told by the Angels that I'm Jesus Returned, I laugh. Who's ever going to believe I could be such a one as Christ? But when they point me to judging the religions of this land in Jesus' name, and I am bursting with trepidation that any message I might give could be as misconstrued as his, then I know for certain neither he nor I would want a cult to follow us anywhere. Mostly, I'm angry that there are warm churches with cold people sleeping outside, fat people praying for the world while they don't do anything to help even one person in their village have one better day.

When everyone I meet is from the realm and I speak more in tongues than I do in English, and when everything is constructy and like a video game. When I know things that barely make sense to explain and feel the prayers of people I haven't met or read minds without even trying. When She is in me, I'm The Maw, the DaiMaw, the Devi, the Goddess. She says Bashar is her brother, which is OK by me since she tells me how she doesn't agree with the way he teaches things sometimes. 

When people who look over at me look away quickly as though they have attempted to see into the sun, and my own eyes are burning with the skin around them sensitive tight and painful to touch, and when I am in touch with angels over telepathy that guide me as a vessel and forever friend. How can I know any better than faith that I am whatever the fuck I am. 

One of the reasons I even choose to call myself a shaman or a mystic rather than a buddha or a christ is because I don't cherish the idea that I'll be anyone more impressive than the healer for a tribe. Also, there are too many versions of any religion for me to choose any version over another version, and so I am favorable of a *faith* that encourages the creative mind to be inspired by source and unjudging of the inspiration. There is no better version. Your version of how to connect with Source and what comes from that is just as valid as any other as long as you honor the sacred life force and don't kill or harm others to create it. 

No bullshit denominations or gurus with supremacy here. Even I would like to be wrong just as much as right anytime it's the more authentic reality to live in. Supremacy and ranking and such things is another way of choosing to be part of a "divide and conquer" world, which I see is just one paradigm, one that tries to keep us from remembering how connected we really are and the oneness of a multi-verse. 

What separated the ancient peoples was Place. The Earth is a good host and gives the people all these different places to live and experience. One of the beauties of Shamanism is the connection between the shaman and the earth, a way for people to connect with a higher spirit that they can see and stand on, that grows different plants and animals and provides food and shelter. That we are getting more connected through technology amid fears that these ways to connect in globalization are any more nefarious than shamans might have known through dreamworlds or telepathic abilities is only a last ditch attempt to keep us from wanting to. The cure for everyone being connected is knowing the place where they are and being in-tune with their homes, the energy of the land, the unique inspiration that comes from these localized connections, and pride in the creativity and culture that the earth itself inspires. 

I perceive the Earth as Mother Earth, and she has a spiritual energy that is feminine when I reach to her or she to me. And she is in a romantic flirtation with The Sun, a masculine energy, and they have been in special relationship to foster life on this planet. It's their sweetheart energy that keeps the earth in just the right place in space and always circling the sun's heat, and because The Sun also likes all the conscious beings on the Earth and that they love him too. The Earth has complained to me that her "flippity floops" or humans have all been inside and are sad and she can tell they are sad. I've told her they will be happier as pilgrims and walking place to place. She's promised to reveal new plants and fungi and that there will be things for them to explore and discover that have yet to be known. Only she worries that there are too many of  us who would just smash the itty-bitty new creations that have never been seen and that we have forgotten how to walk soft on her surface. I've been shown visions of trees that could tower over a whole city and wonder what she might have planned. 

Place is more important than nation. When the land is as large as Africa, there are still tribes that sprout up speaking their own language territory to territory. A shaman should guide their people in living local and anywhere that's too large to agree with a healer-leader, wouldn't be as well guided as a smaller community. I'm not trying to crush nation, but to allow a national identity not to impose upon a local importance and that people be curious from a local level first. How can someone who's never felt connected to a family understand community? If not community then how state or nation? How can someone who can't understand connection imagine The Collective?

Yes, separation has its place. Imagine if you thought every pain you ever felt was also felt by the collective. How many times have you been meanly harmed or allowed harm to be done to you? How many times have you felt the pain of loss or the pain of desire? If we explained that every pain we feel from our whole lives was shared with loving beings from unseen realms who want only the best for us, we might either learn to resent them for not stopping it, or feel more pity for their joining us than we even have for ourselves as we go through such troubles.

Sometimes we are programmed to forget so that we can be more authentic as a human, carrying out human concerns and giving our whole day to human troubles. Whenever I am forced into First World corners where I'm struggling to survive and given things to fear or guilted over basic things, I get the idea that it's part of the design so that I won't remember all the elements I know could be in play from the realms and dimensions. 

When I was confronted about my negativity bringing down my collective and ones that were there to observe and teach and share to me,

Donald Trump Doppleganger Theory

Donald Trump is being played by his lookalike. The real DT died during the first campaign and got replaced by a lookalike who has been coached and continues to be. Evidence: He brought his whole family with him to make us think he's the real guy. All the extra makeup. Plastic surgery scar under his chin. Mass media getting comedians and others to exaggerate the makeup and do exaggerated impressions so that we think we know how he's gonna be and to cover up the way the lookalike has been coached. His wife doesn't even like him. Loyalty is the only qualification for being in his cabinet. He's like a caricature of a person. Mass media has inflated him as part of an agenda. All of the unhinged things he says to distract from the fact he's not even the real guy.

Paradigm Paradise

I'm calling my World the Paradigm Paradise where anything could be true or not true at the same time and where any kind of thing could be going on anytime. It's wild in my world, weird, incredible, miraculous, and not like most people's worlds I find around me. 

I love the Paradigm Paradise and I'm its shaman, a role that's not so much a title. I laugh at titles and collect them anyway. The Paradigm Paradise is a mental element that allows me to absorb the metaphors, signs, names, fables, and kinship of spirits, the land, people from the public consciousness, technnology, deities, aliens, mushroom consciousnesses, plants, the land, buildings and places, animals, angels, objects, past, future, and present. If something doesn't make sense or I'm off balance, I come back to the ground and look right around and re-orient in the present where nothing need be more than me sitting and breathing. The world of my dreams is playing out all around me in the physical world, the same as when one sleeps. 

"Go and live like you're in a dream," I was told by a friend. 

I love the way having the Paradigm Paradise helps keep my mind open to the possibilities of any dimension of thing to be going on all at the same time and aware that energies give themselves away in all the different formats of engagement to this shared world that many shamanic cultures like to describe as the middle. But that's just the part where we forget we're part of all the realms, all the dimensions, choosing to momentarily be separate and especially forget that forgetting is a choice. 

Reading signs in the Paradigm Paradise is giving dimensions to things that ordinarily might not have more than a couple. Like I subscribe to the idea that I'm a vessel to some important characters in some interesting interactions to this world. These will a lot of the time sound grandiose or impossible, and I don't care. These ones may or may not have lore associated with them, and they may or may not have the correct lore associated with them, and I don't care. The angels/aliens have explained that I'm an enlightened being and that I should treat myself like one. They also understand when I laugh at that idea in a world full of enlightened beings who also don't treat themselves like one. 

But what kind of miracles can you make without faith? And so I agree to hold faith with the idea that I'm an enlightened being who laughs at herself, and also laughs at being a vessel to some amazing higher consciousnesses during important times, and also transmutes energies through 3D expression to other worlds. But then there are days when I live the work and am what I am, share what I know, receive important inspiration and visions, read the signs, know things out of nowhere, find things immediately after speaking them, have useful things at hand without planning, dream fictions that come to pass, and communicate through telepathy with an unseen world that also shows up in the physical to prove its point. 

And so I am an enlightened shaman on Holy Shamanic Walkabout and call myself a Gonzo Shaman as a job title that makes me laugh because being a participant witness makes it so that I'm going to need to relay things in the Witness role and play things in the Participant role, and roleplaying is the very best part of being a shaman. The shaman puts on a mask and becomes the thing. And I have put on so many masks in the trying out phases of this thing that trying to tell about all of them is going to be a task indeed, especially since I have been putting it off and putting it off some more. 

The Paradigm Paradise helps me engage with consciousness, other beings of unseen origins, hive minds connected, telepathic computing, angels, ancestors, those I've known to pass on, angels who arrive as people, enlightened prophets who arrive as people, saints who arrive as people, celebrity dopplegangers, popular people from history arriving as energy-ringers, deities who namedrop themselves and arriving as people, nostalgic synergies, people I think are really someone having an out of body experience, watchers from secret societies, observers from the government, calibrations from space and cell towers, the sound of frequencies dialing in my ear and compassionate friends showing up right on time. No lesser excitements than djinn, fairies, my heroes, training guides, therapy guides, or the way any these sometimes show up in clusters. 

How many stories can a girl live all at one time anyway? 

"Do you think you can teach it?" Asked the man who looked just like Jesus outside my usual karaoke spot. "Yes!"

"If you could ask the genie for one thing right now what would it be?" Asked the woman with my hometown accent 1,000 miles from where I was born. "To give the message," I said. 

I really do know how to give myself the whole challenge and not read any of the instructions or fine print ahead of time. I'm counting on all these ancients, ancestors, higher selves, highest good to find me and make whatever mess I'm making at my side, a team of ones who are also all one, playing and singing and dancing all in a coordinated weave that means miracles and more miracles. 

And probably I would think I was crazy if I just heard all these things for the first time. But I was made to go through my life to become this, and I was blessed with a vision of that from a higher consciousness that showed me how all the pieces fit, all the lessons crystalized, all the players coordinated, all the training and why, all of the adventures and where, my past, present, and future explained. Some of these I remembered for the last time, and some of these I remember all the time. 

I also asked for it to be this way, that I learn things through dreams and visions, to trust my eyes and ability to read energies as someone with my kind of consciousness can. I called it training my Jedi powers without even remembering that calling them Jedi powers was from ancient China, and danced all around with George Lucas' doppleganger at a karaoke. 

Energy rings, it waves out like vibrations from a bell and in the dreamworld we are our purer selves, a higher energy even tied as we are to our day-to-day beings. And between our middle world and that one there is less and less understanding of that separation. This shared physical world is changing into that one all the time.

"Nothing waits to change." I wrote in a poem that sticks with me. I speak that one a little more than some because I want to put it on a tattoo someday. I wrote it in an IHOP one morning when two men came in dressed exactly the same to read the newspaper before work, except one was white and one was black. They didn't greet each other or pass even a simple acknowledgement and I had a feeling it was time for that to change.

So ones with higher consciousness or who are more in the public consciousness can interact strangely and arrive as people with whole lives and stories but being more than a reminder of the other one who is famous. I call them energy-ringers, dopplegangers, and nostalgic synergy. But sometimes they are themselves. It's dumb, but I think me and Andrew Huberman chase each other around in dreams and that he helps me out on my journey at times. Sometimes I think he's there by way of OBE and sometimes I think there's a technology element at play. 

Technology elements, alien elements, and govenment conspiracies were a huge player in my rebirth ceremonies and some intense energies at play around the time thing really amped up this year preparing for this walkabout and whatever journey lies beyond.